To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck…
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance…
A time to embrace,
and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A friend of mine was having trouble walking away from a one-sided relationship (sound familiar?). Let’s face it, she’s not alone in this dilemma, so I wanted to share our recent dialogue.
With her permission, this is how the conversation went:
Friend: The other day after my phone call with you, he finally texted me. I was kind of upset, because I made my peace with his thoughtlessness and inconsiderate lags in communication. Anyway, we planned to meet up Saturday to bake cookies, but that fell through. He then suggested we meet up Sunday, but when Sunday rolled around, I didn’t hear a peep from him – even after I texted him twice. So I have been confused all week again. I need some advice.
Me: You must dump this man and never think of him again.
Friend: Just like that?
Me: I know, easier said than done. But think about it. Do you really want to get stuck with someone this uncaring, unorganized, insensitive, disrespectful, selfish – whatever his absent-minded, oafy problem is? Shall I continue with more adjectives? Because I’ve got more.
Me: Good. You know very well that if you struggle to continue a relationship with someone like this – you will spend the rest of your life in utter frustrated misery; feeling inferior, inconsequential, irrelevant, second-fiddle, second-best, secondary. You get the idea. Exhausting! He didn’t even come around on your birthday, for crying out loud.
Friend: Well, he wished me a happy birthday after my birthday had passed.
Me: Let’s give him a gold star for the half-hearted attempt.
Friend: I just can’t read this guy. I am getting the vibe that he can’t read me either. Maybe that’s the problem here.
Me: There you have it. He’s not only half-hearted, he’s illiterate when it comes to you. Life is too short for half-hearted, and you are too smart for clueless. You would be happiest with one who can read and write and articulate life and you. He’s just not the guy. You deserve better.
Friend: He is very busy. But when we finally spend time together, he’s really sweet and considerate. Talking with him is easy. We have a good time together.
Me: But the majority of the time he is giving you the brush-off. So, don’t make excuses for him. Please take a few large emotional steps back and observe his behavior from a larger, logical perspective. Look at the over-all performance picture that makes up him. He has proven time and again that his inconsiderate thoughtlessness has not been a one-time blunder. This is who he is.
Friend: You’re right. It’s not a pleasing picture.
Me: So try and remove the emotion out of it and send the man on his way. He may be a nice bum – a good looking bum – but he’s still a bum. His own needs and desires will always take precedence. His personal schedule and dreams will always take priority over anyone or anything else. That’s not even close to what you want in a relationship.
Friend: You’re right. Pray that I get over this quickly.
Me: I will. Heartbreak sucks. Just keep yourself busy.
Friend: All week I have been slowly coming to terms with this. I guess I was just trying to hold onto even the smallest bit of hope.
Me: That’s because love is a wonderful feeling and we’d like to preserve it at all costs.
But when the cost is one-sided; when you are the only one who is giving and sacrificing, then it’s time to move on, baby, because, guess what – he is preventing you from finding your real love.
Friend: No kidding.
Me: I love you. It’s time to move on. Let him go. Let it go.
Jimmy Fallon and the Roots sing with Idina Menzel, “Let it Go,” with kindergarten classroom instruments.
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