Mormons get asked a lot of really weird questions. All my brothers and sisters – you know what I am talking about.
I want to answer them nicely, but sometimes I get kinda fed up.
And I get snarky. Just a little.
Here is how I would love to respond to these commonly-asked, annoying questions.
Are you Christian? I thought you were Mormon.
1: Christianity is not one specific religion.
2: The real name of our church is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Connect the dots.
Mormonism’s a cult, right?
Yeah, because we are completely secretive like that. It’s not like we have tens of thousands of people all around the world that knock on your door to tell you about our religion. And we totally don’t have this website and, you know, this website, oh, and this website that talk freely about our religion.
Do you wear holy underwear?
No, my underwear is in great condition, thanks. I just patched them up.
[Here is a video that explains the whole underwear thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsLrVpeodog]
How many moms do you have?
My right half came from my first mom, but my left half came from my second. The doctors had a hard time sewing me together, or so I am told.
[For more information, here is a link to a press release from the Church: http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/topic/polygamy]
I thought all Mormons were supposed live in Utah.
Gee, thanks. I feel so loved, oh considerate-one.
Have you seen any visions lately?
Actually, I had a dream last night that you asked me, “Have you seen any visions lately?” I answered, “Actually, I had a dream last night that you asked me, ‘Have you seen any visions lately?’ I answered, ‘Actually, I had a dream last night that you asked me, ‘Have you seen any visions lately?’’”
… Does that answer your question?
Do Mormons drink milk?
Only with our mouths.
Do you drink/smoke/swear/dance?
You *@#&, how dare you accuse me *hic* of such a thing!
And of course I don’t dance. I also wear pioneer dresses and no make-up, ride around in a horse-drawn carriage, and have absolutely no internet access, as you can plainly see.
[This explains some of the Church’s standards: https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth?lang=eng]
Are you even allowed to wear makeup?
I am flattered that you don’t think that I am wearing make-up right now, but the answer is yes.
Okay, so if you can’t grind at dances, how do you dance?
Contrary to popular belief, there are other ways to dance, ya nasty…
Do Mormon women wear bras?
*looks down at the bra I am wearing*
Do you think I am going straight to hell because I am not Mormon?
No, that’s not the reason.
Disclaimer: For those of you who may have asked some of these questions – don’t feel bad. We Mormons actually like it when people ask about our religion. So keep asking questions, we would love to clear stuff up for you.
If you have any more questions, go and check out this website (or any of the websites mentioned earlier) for more information.
All you Mormons out there – have you ever been asked a really weird question? Post those bizarre interrogations in the comments! Feel free to include your brilliant responses to those questions.
They are starting to put ads on our blog. We do not approve these and are not getting any residuals whatsoever, so I apologize for the content. I’ll see what I can do about it.